Right now I an sitting on my balcony and I am in love. Not in a person, but in general. I am excited as if someone os about to meet me and tell me they love me. It is hard to explain. Like I know today will be a good night for some reason… I will see. Just somehow I feel loved. By myself. Does that happen to anyone else or is this because I am Hypersensitive? I wonder sometimes…
First your happy to have him back because he was one of the coolest guys you ever met. You meet up enjoy moments spent together and contemplate on all the whatifs that have never been talked about. Whatif he loves me? Whatif I will sleep with him? Whatif I could love him?
You always come to the same conclusion, you are waiting for another guy, someone where everything fits, the big bang. But then those thoughts never leave. They never shush. So you take your courage and talk about it to him. You tell him if all those random kisses, those random jealousies, those drunken moments meant anything. He tells you it doesnt it was what it was, but he really likes you and nothing more and you believe him and you believe yourself. But then your stomach tells you something else it tells you that maybe you are not waiting for the big bang, maybe you already found the one person you trust. The one person that makes you happy. So you get drunk and tell him again and because he doesnt want to hurt you, he tells you, that if in 5 years you dont find another man, you would marry. Then he tells you he will stay to sleep over, but you go to bed earlier and when you wake up at 5 in the morning he is not there. He is gone and you text him and you go crazy and you regret all you said, because you feel egoistic. But there is no answer. You try it with something funny, still no answer and suddenly you feel sad. You thought it might have had a happy ending, but you loose the trust in yourself. You regret. But you chose to be true to yourself and feel like maybe one day he will forgive.
Today is a good day. My story has started again. My past has taught me many things. Many people have hurt me deeply and I will not forget, but I will forgive. People are humans. Everyone is looking for personal happiness. Finally I can say I found it. It is not dependant on any outsider. This time it depends solely on me. I have come to love myself, the way I have never loved myself before. My faults and my talents, is what makes me me. And I love all of it. I wont let anyone use me anymore. I decide who I will be good with and who doesnt deserve my attention.
My love for other people is contained. Sometimes I am very sensitive. And many times it is not what I think it is. So the only love that will win me, is a love that will endure time and patience. The one person, who will be the father of my children, is the one who proves over time that he is happy to have me in his life, with all my faults and talents. Both make me a unique person, the one I love and truly cherish, with all my heart.
The person who loves me the way I love myself, will deserve me.
I have chosen my way in an area of gastronomy. Not because I earn a lot of money, no, because I love to make people feel good and because I understand and love the subject and I can help with my knowledge of business.
One day I will be able to organize all of it. One day I will have my own. But it has no hurry, because the love I have for my job is full with patience.
My family is the most important in my life, but not in a way that I need them, more in a way that I trust them and I believe in them with all my heart.
I have a good friend who always believed in me, even when I doubted myself. She was the first person who is here and didnt leave. No matter what day no matter what she has in her life.
My heart is filled with happiness and I feel like this is a good new beginning.